To all members of the Black Hearts Club, residents of single-town or those of you boycotting the ‘day that capitalism mutated into a social construct that makes us invest in love as a monetary transaction,’ this top six is for you – with love. Valentines day can be a real drag for the commercially averse stone cold-hearted crew (inc. us), but don’t be defeated, get out there, and paint the town black.

Murderous Valentine
Navigate your way through Birmingham Medical School in the set of Agatha Christie’s And Then There Were None and watch a cast of medical school students bring the book to life, fusing live arts with anatomy and intrigue. Thu 9 Feb – Sat 11 Feb. Doors open at 7pm for a 7.30pm start. Tickets cost a heart-lifting £4 (students) – £7 and are available here: www.skiddle.com.

Retro Valentine
8 bit Lounge vintage gaming sensation at Hare & Hounds. On the dreaded day itself, an evening that’s so far from romantic it’s almost transcendentally sublime. This nostalgic gaming, geeking and DJ session offers a chance to romance the retro consoles including a Nintendo64, SNES, Sega Megadrive, Gamecube, linked up PlayStation 1 and 2’s, Dreamcast and Atari STs. DJs, drinks and laidback surrounds complete the (super pixelated?) picture. A 10 person Bomberman Tournament and various other games will be available throughout the evening and it’s 100% free. Cheap date, us? Never.
Tue 14 Feb 8pm – 12am, Hare And Hounds, 106 High Street, Kings Heath, Birmingham, B14 7JZ. Free.
www.hareandhoundskingsheath.co.uk

Funny Valentine
John Shuttleworth at the Town Hall. About as offbeat as any Valentine’s outing gets this one, let the artist formerly known as Jilted John serenade you on love and popular culture armed with only a Yamaha PSS portable keyboard and unbeatable knowledge of Sheffield in the 1980s. See our full preview & ticket details here.
Sun 12 Feb 7.30pm at Town Hall, Victoria Square, Birmingham B3 3DQ £20

Funky Valentine
If music be the food of love, then you’re in luck because the London singer-producer duo Alpines offer indulgently polished pop experience with utmost style and content smack bang on the big day itself. See our full preview here.
Tue 14 Feb 7.30pm at Hare and Hounds 106 High Street, Kings Heath Birmingham B14 7JZ £8 www.hareandhoundskingsheath.co.uk

Bloody Valentine
Go for the ultimate in anti-Valentine’s experience with the slash-em-up classic My Bloody Valentine Friday at The Mockingbird, Or if Dirty Dancing (that’s the film not the action charades fans) is more your scene you can get that classic dinner & a movie experience at The Mockingbird too. See here for details.

*Cancelled* Filthy Valentine
February SHOOK makes it’s comeback following on from the success of their inaugural B’ham event Guilty Pleasures with its dirty secrets playlist. This month it’s a tongue in chic Valentine’s special Shook: All Over Your Face bringing a distinctly literal approach to the phrase with a riot of top Queer Arts performers throughout the night including the Badass Bitch of Burlesque TeTe Bang (pictured) and music to keep you dancing until 4am.
Fri 17 Feb at Spotlight, Digbeth Spotlight, Unit 2, Lower Trinity Street, B9 4AG, 10.30pm – 4am, £10
www.skiddle.com

Tanked Valentine
If all else fails, it’s Valentine’s Day – drink gin! Our fave Birmingham Gin parlour Jekyll & Hyde is offering up a special gin-twinned meal from the 9 – 14 Feb featuring food and gin martinis. Or opt for a super sophisticated veneer (and gin in a teapot) at Bar Opus whose exquisite Hendricks Experience Afternoon Teas are accompanied by cool art & music on Saturday the 18th. For more details of both and some other edible ideas for the big V, see our Food & Drink news for February here